I know I know, sensible theories are kind of boring. But here’s one that makes a whole lotta sense.

A lovely reader sent me an email a few weeks back (I was out having drinks after work, saw it come up and shoved it up to my boyfriends face screaming “LOOK, AN EMAIL ABOUT MY BLOG! LOOOOOK MY FIRST EMAIL ABOUT MY BLOGGGGG!”). In the email she included this theory that kind of made me go “Aw shucks, that’s pretty darn obvious – why hadn’t I thought of that?”. I think I’m too busy trying to find (or make up) some juicy gossip that is the key to Weezer’s supposed disdain for our fair country.

Maybe – just maybe – Weezer are reluctant to come back to Australia because 3/4 of them are married with children. As such, perhaps they don’t want to be apart from their wives/kids for as long as it would take to complete a tour here.

See? Told you it was sensible. And it’s probably true. If you look back at Weezer’s tour schedule for the last 12 months, it has primarily been festivals here and there – nothing that’s kept them away from their homes too long. The problem with touring Australia –  either with a festival or a tour of their own – they’re going to be away from their family for at least 2 weeks generally. The only way to really combat this is for them to commit to a 2 or 3 gig east cost tour which would take no more than a week, and maybe no promoter here has presented such an idea to them.

It’s hard for me to rag on them about this – it’s fair enough. Sure, it’s easy for us to say “Just bring the families over! No biggie!” but just imagine the inflation of costs that that’s going to put on a promoter. It’s a difficult one. Maybe we should just keep our fingers crossed that we might see a tour after the kids grow up a little. I can bet the guys will be begging for a couple of weeks away once the teenage years begin.

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Because these are the kinds of people they see representing the ‘average’ Australian on an intenational level at sporting events etc:

I am kind of unsure as to how we manage to get ANYONE to visit Australia, really. If you are supporting this behaviour, please stop.

Also on an unrelated note; I am kind of creeped out by the number of people who have found this blog by searching for half Japanese girls on Google. Unless you are Rivers, please stop being creepy and go away. Thanks!

This week it was announced that Soundwave Revolution had been canned due to problems sorting out headliners (a rant within itself that I could beat with a dead horse, but I will hold off). This kind of sucks for us Weezer fans because there was still a little glimmer of hope that we were going to see some semblance of the band at the festival.

This made me think back to the last time we heard strong rumours of Weezer doing an Aussie festival (as mentioned in this post about Coppell). It was the V Festival which eventually ended up being cancelled before any chance of us seeing Weezer on our shores.

As a person that is really clasping at straw trying to come up with things to post to this blog, I came up with the most reasonable explanation that I could, given these pieces of information:

Weezer are a curse on the Australian festival circuit.

(Couldn’t think of a relevant image for this post, so have a kind-of, sort-of related picture of witchcraftish things. I don’t know).

Just think about it. What was the eventual fate of Livid Festival, the one and only time Weezer came to Australia? Cancelled in 2002.

Could it actually be that it is actually TRUE that Weezer want to tour Australia, but circumstances like this always get in the way of them coming here? Sounds like crazy-talk to me, but let’s digest this information for a while.. say, long enough for me to think of some other crazy-brained theory about Australia’s lack of Weezer goodness.

If I were a festival or tour promoter who was a bit of a believer in curses and hexes and all that good stuff, I would be a little skeptical about getting this band to tour as well. Maybe. Probably not. Hell, I’d still sell everything I own and my grandmother’s beachside apartment to get them to tour here.

Because we eat the animals on our national emblem.

Adorable illustration by Melissa T. Liban

I expect that most of you playing at home are aware of the fact that half of Weezer’s current line-up are herbivores: Rivers is a vegetarian, while Brian is a vegan. Their riders for shows always request a vegan meal option, as well as other veggie-friendly noms such as a vegetarian soup or chilli.

Maybe our fair shores weren’t able to adequately meet their requirements when they came 15 years ago for Livid. I can’t imagine Australia had the most amazing selection of vegetarian and vegan options back then. I’m thinking bland tofu dishes, veggie sausages that taste similar to feet and a whole bunch of unappetising salad sandwiches.

IF they ever did decide to return, they would be happy to find that our veggie cuisine has vastly improved since the late ’90s, not only in quality but in accessibility. You’d be hard pressed to find a restaurant that doesn’t provide a vegetarian option, and who wouldn’t be willing to throw together something that’s vegan. Heck, just come to Melbourne and have anything from Lord of the Fries and you’ll never want to leave (if any of you haven’t been there, GO NOW. Then thank me later). Here is a rather large – but definitely not exhaustive – list of restaurants, cafes and stores that have been given the veggie-head tick of approval by Happy Cow.

And don’t forget that our beloved Vegemite is vegetarian, too!

They probably think the country is just full of whinging, annoying assholes like me.

There could only be so many ‘OMG PLZ COME BACK TO AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAAA’ type wall posts/tweets/emails/letters etc one could read before you deem an entire nation a giganic pain in your ass.

Granted, it’s not really our fault we’ve turned out like this; if only Weezer would throw us a bone (aka a tour) every couple of years, I bet we’d be a little less painful to deal with.